The International Association Of Golf Just Banned Trump For Cheating

After the video of Trump shamelessly cheating at golf went viral, the International Association of Golf just gave him a lifetime ban and voided every tournament he claims to have won.

Trump claims his terrible golf score from this weekend was because of Scotland’s windmills blowing gusts of air at him every time he took a swing.

So far this year doctors have named three newly discovered STDs after Donald Trump: Trumporrhea, Trumpmydia, and Trumphilis.

Trump is reportedly furious with Pam Bondi, Dan Bongino, and Kash Patel for bumbling the Epstein files, but now they know too much for him to throw one or more of them under the bus and fire them.

Trump is blaming his terrible golf scores at his Scotland golf course this weekend on Scottish protesters who made shrieking sounds from their bagpipes every time he took a swing.

The National Association of Proud Pedophiles just named Donald Trump their “Pedophile of the Year Award.” He has reportedly refused to attend their annual banquet next month, but the group says he did cash the $5,000 check award they sent him.

FBI whistleblowers say Trump is throwing his son under the bus by reportedly writing “Jr.” in black Sharpie marker next to his name every time it’s listed in the Epstein files.

A federal judge just ruled that the law is very clear Trump’s felonies, sex-offender crimes, and sex-trafficking allegations necessitate his arrest when he crosses the border into America coming back from Scotland.

Trump turned angry during a press conference this morning when he shouted, “No more questions about Epstein,” and then all the reporters started asking about him getting caught cheating at golf, so he said he’d take a few more about Epstein.

Dozens of the mentions of Trump’s name in the Epstein files reportedly include humiliating descriptions of his penis.

The conservative Freedom Network’s upcoming show “Christian Tradwives” has stopped production because two of its main stars have begun a lesbian romance.

A group text full of Western European leaders just got leaked publicly, and in it they refer to Trump as “Captain Cankles.”

After a week of South Park mocking him, his cheating at golf getting filmed, and the catastrophic Epstein scrutiny, members at Mar-a-Lago say Trump was giving off “Jim Jones vibes” all weekend.

GOP Representative Cletus Thancily is sponsoring a bill to mandate all Smithsonian Museums and other federally funded museums put wax models of Jesus riding all the dinosaur fossils to promote Creationism.

Eric Trump reportedly asked his father this morning, “Daddy, am I a nepo baby? Did I earn my job at the Trump Organization on my own?”

A Florida judge just ruled that Trump’s excessive makeup use qualifies him as a drag queen according to the rigid text of the state’s strict anti-drag law, and from now on official pictures of Trump are to be banned from all school social studies textbooks.

Arkansas Republicans say that since children can now be employed throughout the state, they ought to be allowed to buy AR-15s and enjoy the freedom granted by the Second Amendment before they die or are maimed for life in workplace accidents.

Trump reportedly just asked his lawyers, “How come all our legal defense arguments have always focused on presidential immunity, and we never try to argue that I’m innocent?” which was followed by a long, silent pause where his lawyers just stared at him.

Trump claims Jeffrey Epstein left a note for the FBI before he died that said “Trump was totally innocent.”

Despite being caught cheating on camera, Trump reportedly still gave himself a large trophy for winning the golf championship he hosted at his Scottish course.